Plain and simple –
It seems I’ve entered a season where I feel no joy for anything.
If I could describe it, and it’s taken a while to really figure out how I’m feeling – life feel dull and colourless and the moment. Like I’m moving in quick sand while everything passes by in hyper speed.
I’ve committed myself to so many things in such a short period of time that I’ve flat-lined in passion
forgotten why I signed up for it all in the first place.
It’s about a month into school now and I think I’m out of the storm but I’m still in quite a dense fog of confusion and frustration.
I started taking an anxiety management group therapy class a couple weeks ago through Counselling Services at UBC.
It’s been really good to admit that I have panic attacks sometimes and I sometimes feel stuck beneath piles of to-do lists in my brain.
I’m sure we all do at one point or another, but it’s important for me to hear it from the lips of other students at this big school where it’s easy to feel anonymous.
I briefly read the introduction to a paper on Perfectionism after one of the anxiety classes and all I needed to read was the first couple lines to really become aware of the greater problem.
What the heck does perfect even mean?
And why am I trying so hard to be it?
According to Siri and Google,
Perfect is ‘having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.‘
As good as it is possible to be?
If that’s the definition, then I must already be perfect.
This is as good as it gets.
And yet that’s not enough.
To be ‘desirable,’ as the definition states, is not a state of being that I think we ever occupy naturally.
Understand this: perfect is designed and created by societal norms. It differs by culture, economic class, spiritual values and many other influential variables – just like most things.
It’s one of those things that you think you experience – for example, I’ve had an absolutely perfect surf weekend where I’ve left feeling so much joy about my experience in the swell with my surf pals and then the next time I went, my standards were set too high. The waves weren’t the same, the wind wasn’t the same and even the hours of some restaurants weren’t the same and I didn’t get to have a fish taco.
Perfect is not static – it’s never the same.
Perfection is a theory, it has not been empirically proven. It’s fluid and dynamic and you may look at it once and then never see it again. It’s like a leprechaun or Bigfoot. And technically, by academic standards, if it’s not evidence based… it’s out.
For me, perfect means productivity.
If I’m not productive I don’t see myself as valuable.
I want to impress people with my accomplishments,
don’t we all?
But it’s hard for me to let go of commitments because I feel lazy and worth less.
It sounds crazy, but it’s my brain! I tell ya..
So I have let go of some commitments – and I’ve kept what need to be done – And I’m still swamped, but that’s life.
The realest struggle is how I can’t seem to find God in any of this stuff.
Today is the first day in a while that I actually feel that God exists and that he maaay actually be who he says he is.
In my loneliest points I’ve tried playing worship music – pouring it into my brain – in hopes that my brain would be a sponge absorbing what I’m pretty sure is good for it.
I’m learning to see how Christianity is not brainwash cult activities with dope music.
And I’m trying to recall the incredible moments in the last two years where the only logical, yes logical, explanations could be nothing except GOD. (So many that I can’t even believe I’m in this spot.)
I’m not concerned about this fog, it will lift.
And if you’re in the same boat, awesome – let’s paddle together.
If you’re not a Christian and you’re like “wtf mate, Christianity is brainwash,”
I say to you that I’m learning that in it’s most basic form, I would rather believe in God than believe it’s all meaningless.
Luckily there’s a lot more to God than that.
In the meantime
try my best to be more grateful,
attempt to remove ‘perfect’ from my vocabulary and
attempt to believe that I am valuable without needing to be impressive.